The Chaos Keeps Me Calm

When do you feel most at ease and calm in your life? If you had have asked me 12 months ago, I would have said “when I am on my couch, watching numerous amounts of bad reality TV and sport” however my answer would be a little different now. 

For a long period of time after Aidon died, the safety of routine kept me calm and kept me moving forward step by step. My world fell in on itself in 2008 and it has only dawned on me in these last few months that it has taken me 7 years to be ok with the frantic pace of life again. The chaotic nature of life. 

Now I don’t mean the bad type of chaos that is painful and dangerous, but the kind that is not routine, the kind that has you jumping from city to city, country to country, workshop to workshop, balancing a full time job, 5 email accounts, a personal life, family relationships, managing an ex boxer turned mental health champion with a horrible memory, work emails at 4am and planning your eventual world takeover. It’s busy , but in all that busyness I get a sense of calm. 

The thought of tackling that amount of work back a few years ago would have seen me retreat back to my couch and say “nope, sorry it’s too hard” all while clicking play on the next TV episode, but I am now thriving in this environment. Too much time sitting and waiting has me on edge. I want to be out there, doing anything and everything I can to leave a small mark on the world in memory of my brother. 

I think I have always been this way, but reflecting back, I paused my life for a number of years. I forgot who I was deep down to my core but this life is about learning and I believe those years spent in the safety of my routine was mainly in part to prepare myself for what was to come… my future self must have known. 

Knowing yourself and how you best operate is sometimes the hardest part, but I am very much aware now that I thrive in the chaos that has been growing this last 12 months. I am seeing myself grow and develop personally and professionally and for the first time in a really long time I am not trying to plan out my life down to every little detail. 

My control freak persona will always remain. It’s part of who I am, but I am learning to embrace the unknown more and more because that is sometimes where the most remarkable opportunities lay. 

Balance is important and routine is helpful, but sometimes maybe we all need to embrace the chaos a little more. Take a few measured risks, step out of our comfort zones, stop questioning our ability or why we can’t do something and just give it a go. We may surprise ourselves.